Birthday Mourning
by spikeme4now
Summary: It's Tara's birthday, Willow misses her and mourns for her.


Title: BIRTHDAY MOURNING (1/1)  
Author: spikeme4now4200  
Email: spikeme4now4200@yahoo.com.au  
Copyright: January 27 2003  
  
Spoilers: None – It's set sometime during season 7 (I'm not sure when, as   
I don't know the exact date of Tara's birthday), but the story doesn't   
contain anything spoilery.  
  
Pairing: Willow/Tara  
  
Story Content: Some Angst – you've been warned.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: This Story is mine. However, I don't own the Buffyverse or   
any of the characters created by Joss Whedon et al . . . You all know who   
they are. I don't wish to harm them; I simply want to play with them a   
little :-)  
  
Feedback: Yes Please!!!! I live for feedback!!!! It keeps me writing, and   
I'll reply to anyone who emails me. ^_^   
Distribution: Everywhere and Anywhere, just let me know where.  
  
Summary: It's Tara's birthday, Willow misses her and mourns for her.  
  
Author's Notes: This is a short kinda-angsty little piece that's been in my   
head for a while now. It took me all of 2 hours to complete, and has   
nothing to do with my 'behind the scenes' series. My next 'behind the   
scenes' story should be finished by the end of the week.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Willow walked into her room that morning – glad that the potentials were   
in the basement - training, that Buffy and Dawn had just left for school,   
and that she pretty much had the top half of the house all to herself. She'd   
tried to put on a happy face this morning – to forget about what day it   
was, but she couldn't pretend any longer. For the past hour, she'd been   
near bursting with anguish – today was Tara's birthday – or it would've   
been . . .   
  
She knew none of the Scoobies remembered – why would they? She   
however, would never forget – For as long as she lived, she'd remember   
everything about Tara – she'd make sure of it. Willow never wanted to   
forget anything about the girl who meant everything to her; the girl who   
had brought her out of herself; helped her to see who she really was; and   
who she sometimes didn't think she could live without.   
  
There were times when she'd contemplated suicide, but had always   
managed to convince herself not to go through with it – Today however,   
she didn't know if she'd be so successful. Today was painful, because it   
reminded her of everything Tara was missing out on. The girl would   
never again celebrate another birthday, she'd never finish college, never   
get herself settled in a good career – and worst of all, she'd never get the   
chance to live the life she was meant to. Why was fate so cruel? Why   
couldn't it have been her? The world wouldn't miss her – in fact, it'd   
probably be better off without her . . .  
  
Willow sighed at her last thought, and walked towards her dresser. She   
knelt down and opened the bottom drawer – where she kept her favourite   
Tara-photo. The picture was a headshot of Tara – smiling shyly for the   
camera, and was encased in a simple black metal frame. The photo had   
kept her going, not only during the months after Tara's death, but also   
during their break-up – Every time she looked at the photo, she felt as if   
her girl was right there with her; as if she could physically feel her   
presence.  
  
Taking the photo, Willow sat down on the floor, leaned her back against   
the bed, and started to cry softly. She missed her so much – she loved her   
so much – she'd never stop loving her. Was it so wrong for her to wanna   
join her beloved? How easy would it be to forget about her life, let herself   
waste away, or better yet – let herself get mauled by some demon? If she   
didn't actually kill herself – but let someone else do it, then technically it   
wouldn't be suicide . . . right? She wouldn't be committing a sin, and   
would therefore get into heaven – to see Tara . . .   
  
Only she wouldn't – she'd already made way too much with the sinning.   
How could she forget everything she'd done – the flaying; the killing; the   
attempted murder of her friends – the attempted destruction of the whole   
world? Lets face it, after everything she'd done – she'd never see her   
Tara again.  
  
This thought brought even more anguish, and Willow began sobbing even   
harder now. She was curled up in a little ball – her legs were bent; her   
hands were linked around them, and her head was buried in her knees,   
while Tara's photograph lay on the floor next to her. She couldn't bring   
herself to look at it now, as the tears continued to fall – she was in so   
much pain. Her sweet Tara – she'd never see her again. What was the   
point of living? What was the point of anything?  
  
Willow had never been in this much despair – had never been this close to   
actually ending her life. She now knew that whatever she did – she'd   
never see her love again. She should end it quickly – take Tara's photo,   
smash it on the floor, and use a broken shard of glass to end her life. No   
one would miss her – not really. Sure, they'd mourn for a bit, but they'd   
get over it. Besides, she didn't really deserve to live anyway. After all   
the suffering she'd caused – Hell was a fitting place for her. She was   
without hope, without purpose, and her life had no meaning without Tara.  
  
With determined resolve, Willow lifted her head, wiped at her tears, and   
reached for her dead-girlfriend's photo. She dropped it the instant her   
hand touched it – the metal had burned her fingers. What was going on   
here? Why was the metal hot . . . and what's with the bright light   
surrounding the photograph? Willow watched in stunned silence, as the   
photograph continued to glow, and a bright light began to emerge from it.   
A second later, Willow could barely believe her own eyes – shimmering   
ethereally in front of her, was a glowing, semi-transparent image of her   
beloved Tara.  
  
"Tara?" she croaked out her question – not daring to hope this was real.  
  
The glowing figure smiled in response.  
  
"Are you real?" Willow continued. "Am I dreaming?"  
  
The figure smiled again, only this time it chose to answer as well. "I'm   
real," she said softly. "This is no dream."  
  
Willow stared in shock at what appeared to be Tara's essence. How was it   
possible? Was this really Tara? How did she know it wasn't The First?   
This could all be some trick . . . However, as she continued to stare at the   
glowing figure in front of her, Willow knew the answer to her questions.   
There was something very familiar about this energy, something   
comforting – something that was unmistakably Tara – she'd recognise the   
girl's essence anywhere. This led to her next question . . .  
  
"Why are . . . ?"  
  
Willow's question was cut-off by the corporeal being. "I'm here because   
I need to tell you something," she explained.  
  
Willow's mind was racing with questions, but seeing as she was still in a   
little bit of shock – she nodded for Tara to continue.  
  
"I need to tell you . . . " Tara continued. " . . . that there's still hope."  
  
Willow was confused – hope? Hope about what?  
  
"About us," she answered the unspoken question. "You mustn't believe   
that you'll never see me again – that we'll never be together."  
  
"But . . ." Willow protested. How could she see Tara again – the girl was   
dead?  
  
"I know what you're thinking," she continued – ignoring the girl's protest.   
"But you have to trust me . . ."  
  
"I do," Willow interrupted. "It's just . . ." how could they be together?  
  
"The universe is mutable," Tara responded. "Everything's changeable –   
nothing remains set in stone. You once told me that everything happens   
for a reason – I'm asking you to listen to your own advice."  
  
Reason? What reason did Tara's death have? Nothing can excuse what   
happened to her. "Then why did you die?" she asked indignantly – tears   
streaming down her face now. "What reason could there possibly be for   
what happened to you?"   
  
Willow stood up, and moved towards her lover's form. She wanted to   
grab a hold of her, kiss her, and never let her go – only how can you hold   
something that has no earthly form?  
  
"Tell me," she continued pleadingly. "What reason?" Pushing aside   
common sense, she reached for Tara, but as expected, her hands went   
right through her. "Oh Tara," she sobbed – collapsing to the floor. She   
crawled back to her earlier position against the bed, and looked up at her   
soulmate. "I miss you so much . . ."   
  
"But I'm always with you," Tara explained. "There's a link between us   
that transcends both time and space – life and death. I died, because it   
was my time – if I hadn't been shot, it would've happened some other   
way. You see – I'm now what you call a higher being – not a ghost, or an   
angel, or a demon – but something beyond all that."  
  
Willow was confused. "What do you mean?" she asked. "Are you saying   
you're a Goddess?"  
  
Tara smiled. "No," she replied. "I don't have that honour. I'm like a   
guide – I watch over witches who have strayed from the path, and I help   
guide them back."  
  
"Like me?"  
  
"Yes," Tara confirmed. "Like you. In fact, you're the one I've been   
assigned to watch over."  
  
"I'm your assignment?" Willow asked in wonder.  
  
Tara nodded. "It's why I asked for the position."  
  
"What?"   
  
Tara knew what Willow was asking – she needed to explain everything.   
"When I died, I didn't really have much sense of time or space – but I was   
fully aware of what you'd done, and of what was happening. I was told   
that without guidance you would once again stray from the path – by that I   
mean kill yourself - and consequently be unable to fulfil your destiny."  
  
"My destiny?"  
  
"You're Scooby lifestyle is no accident," Tara continued. "When we met,   
I helped you discover your hidden potential as a witch, but instead of   
using it only to fight evil – you started using it for personal gain. As a   
result you turned towards the dark magicks, and became addicted, and   
were then forced to give up magick completely."  
  
"Yeah," Willow sighed – feeling both guilty and remorseful. "I totally   
screwed up."  
  
"More than you know," Tara nodded in agreement.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You were never meant to give up the magicks," Tara explained. "Your   
powers are needed to help balance the fight between good and evil – My   
death was the only way to bring you full-circle."  
  
Willow was beginning to understand – When she was Evil-Willow, Giles   
infused her with the Coven's pure magick, and as such, the magicks were   
now a part of her. That never would've happened if she hadn't lost it over   
Tara's death – she needed to give herself over to the evil, so that it was a   
part of her, before she could accept the good. Balance would only be   
achieved when she knew in equal-parts what it was like to be both good   
and evil – just like everything in the universe. It was now up to her to   
make sure she kept that balance.  
  
Another thought suddenly came to Willow's mind. "But, then that means   
– I'm the reason you died . . . If I hadn't become addicted in the first   
place. . ."  
  
"Then you'd never be as powerful as you are now," Tara explained. "Like   
I said – everything happens for a reason – that's why I'm here now. You   
see, our destinies are linked – they've always been linked; not just in this   
life, but in all our previous lives as well, just as they will be in all our   
future lives together. In this life – I needed to be sacrificed, but that   
doesn't mean we can't be together."  
  
Willow smiled at that. "So does that mean you'll appear to me like this,   
for as long as I live?"  
  
"Not exactly," Tara replied. "I appeared before you this morning in order   
to explain things – to stop you from ending your life. After today, I'm not   
supposed to make earthly contact . . ."  
  
"Oh," Willow sighed – utterly disappointed.  
  
"Although," Tara continued. "I'll always be over your shoulder – even if   
you can't see me. We'll always be able to talk to one another. My   
existence is linked with yours, and only when you die – will I return to   
heaven – with you."  
  
"Does that mean I might actually get into heaven?" Willow asked. "What   
about everything I've done . . . ?"  
  
"I told you the universe is mutable," Tara reminded her. "Nothing is set   
in stone – everything changes. There's still plenty of time for you to   
make up for what you've done – to redeem yourself. That's why I'm here   
to make sure you do just that."  
  
"And when I'm done, I can come join you?" Willow asked eagerly.  
  
"Only when it's your time. You can't go killing yourself in order to be   
with me – that's the one thing that you can't be redeemed of."  
  
"But we will be together again?" She asked – needing confirmation.  
  
"Always," Tara replied. "We'll be together in heaven – or if we choose   
to, we can be sent back down to earth to live another life – but always   
together – as soulmates."  
  
"I like that idea," Willow smiled. "But what your saying – is that you're   
giving up your time in heaven – the time you could be spending there now   
– so that you can be my guide?"  
  
"There is no heaven without you," Tara explained. "Besides – you'd do   
the same . . ."  
  
Willow grinned. "You're right."  
  
"I want you to be happy Willow," Tara continued. "I will always love   
you, and I'll be with you whenever you need me. However, we'll be   
together again soon enough – but for right now, your life is still here on   
Earth, and you need to let yourself live it."  
  
"You mean I should stop mourning?"  
  
"Right. It's okay for you to miss me – but I don't want to see you crying   
and contemplating suicide again."  
  
"Yes ma'am," Willow replied mockingly – yet with sincerity.  
  
With those words, Tara realised her mission was now complete. "That's   
my cue to leave."  
  
"Do you have to?" Willow knew she'd probably never see her again like   
this – in corporeal form – and wanted to prolong the moment for as long   
as possible.  
  
"I do," she said with a smile. "We'll be together again. I love you –   
always."  
  
"I love you too," Willow returned, as Tara shimmered away. She'd never   
stop loving Tara – or missing her. However, now that she knew they'd be   
together again, Willow realised that she was finally ready to live again –   
to fulfil her destiny, and to make Tara proud of her.  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
